Monday, November 30, 2009

Is the big bad wolf wearing a plastic smile

I almost didn’t post this blog because well to be frank I let my insecurities get the best of me. See I really great friend of mine posted a blog about something similar to what I am writing about. And I didn't want it to look like I took her idea but we just have the same kind of thinking sometimes. But she told me just as God was telling me, different things may speak to different people. So now here is my big bad wolf J

Remember how I had mentioned that my children have encouraged me with my walk with God, well the other night we were having our storytime before bed, like we have every night. And one book Caleb picked out was “The Three Little Pigs” and reading about each pig made me kinda realize something, I know how strange am I to be getting something from a children’s book, and to top that about 3 little pigs, a wolf and God?

Well I was thinking about how the first two pigs built their houses out of straw and the second out of sticks and they did it to be lazy. So I was thinking how many times do I build up these walls “to help me” whether it be a wall I build up for quiet time but build it lazily, maybe saying a wall is the wrong word but what I mean is when I put on a front or stand in a “house” for my quiet time but rush through it to get on to the next thing on my list. Or I build another house with a plastic smile. You know when someone truly want to know my heart and try to encourage me, only for me to say everything is just peachy. Then the big bad wolf comes to tear them down because they were not made strong and sturdy, you know with a great foundation. I hope I am making some sense, to me it sounds ok but who know you might be thinking I have lost it J

And in my though process of this I really wanted the big bad wolf to be the devil, blame it on him who blows down my house, but I don’t believe he can blows down the walls of our heart, not if I am a child of God. Then who is the big bad wolf who huffs and puffs…I believe it is myself/ourselves.

This is where I feel I feel into depression. See I was diagnosed with severe depression a couple of years ago and have went to see many people, but I always put up these walls, thinking there was no hope for me or that I really knew they could not help me. Now I really want to say right now that this is how I have overcome this and I just hope it will encourage you to try but if not it is ok, it is the testimony God has done for me. I went through a rough spot in my childhood they just brought me to a place where I felt no love and rejected, had thoughts of killing myself but just couldn’t do it, I know someone(God) was helping with that. I kept build houses around myself built out of straw and sticks but would just tear my own self down with my insecurities. So I just gave up thought this was just how it was going to be, I do have to say though I have got an awesome husband who I can share anything with and he loves me just the same, thank you Josh for all your unconditional love and bearing with me J But a couple of months ago I went and saw someone else one last time went through a process called EMTR and they put me back on anti-depressants nothing seemed to be working, actually one of the meds I was taking made me have suicidal thoughts. I actually told my husband to shoot me in the head one night, he just held me and prayed for me! So that was the final straw for me, I knew something else needed to happen, I was tired of hiding behind the houses built of straw and sticks. I wanted to in the strong brick house of my Lord Jesus! And it is there that I found my JOY! You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy~~Psalm 30:11

This is how I believe I have overcome my depression it is a daily thing. But I wake up every morning with great thoughts of what the Lord has done for me, and I just begin to have such a JOY in me, I know some of you are saying but I have a chemical imbalance and I did too, but I also think that is something that has helped me, I am in no way saying that you don’t need medicine or someone professional but it just did not work for me. I just feel in my life I have to much to be joyful about to let things bring me down to a point where I am just so sad, I could be going through much worse and if I do I know that my strong house will with stand all of that. I try to just live my day filled with thoughts of God’s grace and mercy. Now I am not saying I don’t have a bad day but I do not try to let that consume my entire day’s thoughts. I know I have probably gotten on my in-laws nerves because I am always saying to smile or to be joyful, it really is because I just don’t like to see anyone down or even if they are tired I just would want to help so that it may help and put them in a great mood, maybe J It also helps me out, I know seems alittle selfish uhh. I really am hoping this is making some sense. I just know that when I put thoughts of God’s love, grace and mercy everything else seems so small compared to that. I just want to bring alittle encouragement more for me to build my house out of the strong love of Jesus that can with stand anything and for maybe to put a little joy in your heart.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit~~Romans 15:13


Emily :) said...

You are not alone in this struggle Amber. But thank you for sharing your story, I know God has plans to get glory through this struggle. You make Him proud!

Leah Marchbanks said...

I am so proud of you Amber! And I know our Heavenly Father is proud too!!! I love you!

Amber Gregory said...

Thank you Emily, I know I am not and God has done such wonderful things that sometimes it is hard to write into words how much :)

Thank you too sissy, it means so much to hear you say that :) You have helped me through alot of the stuff I went through! I loves you too :)